Even though our first and oldest daughter, Sonya, is adopted, I do not recall experiencing with her such a degree of anguish as I do right now with this adoption. This time around, the Lord is opening my eyes to a pain I have never before experienced because this time around, I am perceiving for the first time the orphan's story. Although try as I may to walk in my youngest daughter's shoes, to feel what she feels and know what she knows, I will never feel or know the full reality of what she has lived and born all her life, that of being a physical orphan on this earth.
I do, however, have a wealth of understanding of what it is like to long for acceptance and belonging as a child, with a sustaining hopefulness that life can get better and that real love can abide with parents and family. For me, mine was a hope unrecognized, yet for my little girl who must have this same deep longing as I did at her age, I must hold onto the hope that the fulfillment of such a longing in her will be met through our love and acceptance of her. Now and when we meet, I hope and pray that she feels and senses in every cell of her body that she belongs with us, and that she recognizes somehow in her spirit that the four of us were always meant to be.
Romans 8:24-25 reminds me of the hope I should rest in, although not acquired I believe without a great deal of patience. "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."
I wrote to a sister in Christ recently, "What I am experiencing as a mother with this international adoption is both soul-inspiring yet at times gut-wrenching as I walk through this process and jump through every hoop - recognizing on my best day that God is completely in control and on my worst day, that our fate lies in the hands of godless men. I know that the latter statement is a lie from the very pits of hell, although my emotions try to convince me otherwise.
Knowing that I have a daughter who is six years old that I cannot hold when she cries or hug when she needs one is the hardest part I think. Knowing that she's been without me all this time while having pictures of her to look at brings me immediately to tears.
I ask for prayer for my family that God opens His floodgates in His good and perfect time, and that when He performs His miracles involving the rescuing of our daughter from her life as an orphan, that everyone who witnesses this event will receive the blessing of knowing that it is 'All Him.'
I believe that everything I have just described in the way of human emotion and the ups and downs that go with the process of international adoption measures perfectly the walk of millions of Christians finding their children in distant lands."
A couple of weeks into the adoption process when Satan was operating at full throttle against my husband, trying to convince him he's too old, too sick or too tired to go through with it, robbing him nightly of much needed rest, God delivered Randy from the adversary's stifling grip with a beautiful dream. In the dream Randy was walking with our youngest daughter, holding her hand as she looked up at her daddy and spoke fluent English. Randy recalled in the dream how very polite she was.
A few weeks ago, Randy and I prayed to God that He would give Sonya a dream of her little sister that night so that the miracle working power of heart-level bonding between these two sisters could begin. The very next morning, the first words uttered out of Sonya's mouth to me were, "Mom, I had a dream of sissy! In the dream she was with us in our home, Mom, and you told her to wash her hands and she obeyed!"
Just last Monday I received word from a dear friend that her daughter had shared via email that she dreamt about our little one the night before. As she recounted the dream to her mother, "I had a dream last night that the adoption was finalized and that Mei Mei came home!"
I cling to these dreams as a hope of a promise yet to be recognized yet fully real and forthcoming nevertheless. I hope for the day to arrive soon when the three of us can travel to a distant land and bring our sweet and wanted daughter and sister home! Until then, as I sometimes cry with deep sobs of frustration and longing for her to be with us and to be safe, I will remember that God cares for me, and He is listening to my prayers even when I have no clear words to describe to Him my needs born out of such a vulnerable time as this.
"Likewise, the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought; but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26